Children and separation
What happens to children after separation?
Like adults, children react in different ways to separation or divorce. How they react often depends on the child’s age, temperament and the level of cooperation or conflict between the parents.
For children up to 5 years old, family breakdown can be difficult to understand. Older children can also experience a time of confusion and uncertainty even though they are more able to understand what is happening.
The way parents or other family members react and adjust to the separation makes a big difference to how children feel. Continued fighting can hurt children more than the separation itself.
However, if children are supported and encouraged to maintain a positive relationship with both parents, grandparents and other relatives, they are more likely to adapt to the changes. It is a stressful time for children, but most recover and lead normal lives. Children from separated families can develop and flourish just as well as other children, especially if they continue to have supportive and caring relationships with parents and other significant people in their lives, like grandparents, and other relatives.
What do children need?
Children need the continuing care and support of both parents. They will worry less if you can agree about what is going to happen and explain why to them. You both should:
- reassure your children that you both still love them
- remember that accepting and dealing with the separation will enable you to better assist your children to do the same
- allow your children the right to love both of you – don't make them choose
- tell your children that they are not to blame and help them to discuss their feelings – they often blame themselves, especially when parents fight about them or things they have done
- listen sympathetically to your children's feelings and opinions without judgment
- talk with the other parent about issues relating to your children
- make sure your children don't hear or see you fighting
- keep your children out of your arguments with or about the other parent
- be positive about the other parent when talking to your children
- turn to other adults for emotional support rather than to your children
- talk with your children's teachers so they understand the situation,
- keep your focus on your children's well-being rather than on what is 'fair' for you.
Booklets available from the Courts
The family law registries have booklets that may help separating parents work out the best future arrangements for their children:
- Because it’s for the kids
- Children and Separation: A Guide for Parents
- Questions and Answers about Separation: For children
- Me and my Kids: Parenting from a distance
- What about Me – Taking care of yourself,
- Me, my kids and my Ex – Forming a workable relationship for the benefit of your children.
Single copies are available free from any family law registry or by calling 1300 352 000.